Issue 268: Ignore Your Own #$&&@*% And Have Some Fun
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As I write this, it is 2AM. I went to bed feeling gloomy, and I haven't been able to get a solid, peaceful night’s sleep. I wake up every so often—get this—feeling gloomy, feeling like a failure, feeling like everything is collapsing around me. And so I just woke from a dream and couldn’t get back to sleep. I figured I might as well knock the newsletter out.
In the dream, my pals Josh, Tim, Jimmy, Bruce Fucking Banner, and I were traveling to a horror and tiki mug convention. We stopped in a picturesque little town to grab a bite to eat and check out a comic shop.
The shop was old and dusty, run by a cheery pair of brothers. All their new comics were displayed in stacks. I perused the comics, noting a bunch of books I used to write but were now being written by someone else, noting books I was born to write but were now being written by someone else, noting that some of the books were packed with old reprint material.
I selected a stack of comics—books I was genuinely excited about reading—and stood in line to check out. As I stood there, I dropped the pile of comics, ruining them, folding them up, tearing the covers off. I gathered up the crumpled comics, and paid. Someone asked why I was buying the raggedy comics, and I told them it was my fault they were in such bad shape.
As I left the store, my phone rang. It was someone I worked with at one of my publishers. His name was James Ryan O’Reardon (someone who, to my knowledge, doesn’t exist) and he was calling about a film project. He told me, “All the actors have signed off on the script you wrote,” and he needed to fax me a new contract to sign immediately. When I told him I wasn’t at home and probably wouldn’t be for a few days, he told me the deal might fall through. Then, he corrected my grammar on something and hung up.
As I returned to the car with my companions, I realized I had lost my favorite hat in the store.
Also Banner never turned into the Hulk.
Real dissapointing.
I imagine a dream analyst would have a field day with the dream, but it is already starting to fade from my memory. Did it have something to do with the pall of gloom and doom hanging overhead?
Probably.
I had some big goals over the last eighteen months or so. Work goals. Financial goals. Health goals. The accomplishment of a few of those goals seemed almost life-changing. I started with five. I think I had seven in mind by the end.
Thus far, I’ve accomplished… one of those goals.
And the others seem almost insurmountable.
I came close to achieving several of them, came close to changing my life for the better. In the end, though, I fell short. Again and again. All my lofty plans fell apart… or are in the slow, laborious process of falling apart… and I’ve held on so dearly to those crumbling goals that it’s now mid-May and I just realized I didn’t set any new goals for the year.
I’ve been wallowing in this defeat—in the sudden realization of “Damn, son, you once again backed the wrong horse… and that horse is YOU!”—for a couple of days now.
It’s been seething.
Threatening to eat me alive.
I’m a working writer. I knew what I was getting into when I started down this path. I knew there would be days like this. Mama said. I expected struggles.
The problem with being a dreamer is that dreams don’t typically come true unless you work for them. Working for your dreams is gonna mean taking a few painful punches and kicks. Even when you work your ass off, sometimes the dreams don’t come true.
I haven’t, for example, gone to one damn horror con with Dr. Banner.
I probably got a little cocky trying to set so many big goals, especially during a time when little goals—like, I dunno, getting paid on time for work I was doing—weren’t coming together. I was riding high on the potential the future might hold. I was betting on myself. And now… I’m staying up all night wondering how I screwed up so badly.
Having those lofty goals can crush you.
Guess it’s time to dream up some more.
I guess I like flying too close to the sun.
Sure, I feel like crap right now, but I’m pretty sure the only way to get to the other side is to shake it off and try something else. Coming up with big plans and big ideas motivates me. It keeps me moving. It keeps me sort-of happy. Sometimes, I slip, just like everyone else does, into misery and despair. Sometimes, I forget who I am. Thus far, thought, I’ve always managed to catch myself before I hit rock bottom. Or, at least, I haven’t fallen any lower than rock bottom.
Look at that!
Goal #1 - Don’t crash through rock bottom and plummet screaming into a boiling-hot Hell of my own creation.
One goal checked off the list!
I’ll spend the next week or so developing a new list of challenges and opportunities for myself. Will they be attainable? Of course! But they won’t be easy. I might—gasp!—fail once again! At this moment, I’m not even sure what the list is going to look like. I’m not even sure what first steps I need to take. But… with nearly half the year already gone… I better get to screwing up faster!
I continue to be the most stubborn sonovabitch that I know. I have no intention of just throwing in the towel. I might wallow for a little bit. I might vent. But then I’m getting back in the bloody fight. The only thing that keeps me upright is striving for something… working for something… even when every reasonable thought is telling me that I’m barreling toward another potential disaster… or several potential disasters.
Now seems like a pretty good time to point you in the direction of all the places you can interact with me online. The first four in this list are where I’ll be most active, but I’d love to communicate with you on all of this platforms!
THIS NEWSLETTER - I put this out nearly every week. It’s always been free. It will always be free. Tell your friends about it. Ask them to join up. Repost it. Reccomend it.
CULLEN BUNN’S MONSTER CLUB (Discord) - There’s plenty to discuss on this Discord channel. Comics, books, movies, games, writing, and more. It’s also free.
THE CULLENOSCOPY (YouTube) - My YouTube channel features various videos, including some short horror films I’ve written. It will also be the home of The Cullenoscopy, my regular horror extravaganza! Subscribe to it so you don’t miss a beat.
PATREON - This is where I post stories, writing advice, script samples, sneak peeks, free comics, and more. There’s even a free-to-join level where you’ll get regular updates on what my day-to-day work life looks like!
INSTAGRAM - This is becoming one of the few social media spots I really try to keep up with.
BLUESKY - The closest thing I have to Twitter, which I abandoned months ago.
FACEBOOK - My official Facebook page, where you can keep up with my goings on.
I was told that the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of HARROW COUNTY is coming up this week! Tomorrow, in fact! Ten years! That’s impossible! I just wrote the damn thing yesterday, didn’t I?
Combine that with the knowledge that THE SIXTH GUN is now fifteen years old…
And my son turns SEVENTEEN this week…
…and I realize I’m getting very, very old.
Time is a giant silverback gorilla, climbing atop buildings, smacking the years down like biplanes.
Word on the street is that the ULTIMATE OZ UNIVERSE: LOST LANDS Kickstarter is going to be starting up soon! To make sure you don’t miss out on the campaign, hop over HERE to sign up for an alert!
Over on CULLEN BUNN’S MONSTER CLUB, a group of readers have formed a book club for THE SIXTH GUN. If you’re a fan of the title, you should check that out and join in the conversation. It’s been fun for me and has reminded me of some elements of the story that I had forgotten. This week, the discussion has focused on GHOST DANCE.
DEADPOOL KILLS THE MARVEL UNIVERSE… ONE LAST TIME #1 (Second Printing)
First, Deadpool killed every hero in the Marvel Universe... Then he killed every hero in another Marvel Universe... Well, now, he’s back, and this time, slaughtering his way through Earth’s Mightiest Heroes won’t be enough!
He’s going after the worst of the worst, a whole Multiverse of Marvel’s greatest gone bad. Get ready for world-breaking Hulks, werewolf Captain Americas, and some all-new twisted takes! The classic universe-slaughtering team of Cullen Bunn and Dalibor Talajić are back to kill everyone one... more... time!
This has been a week of numerous concerts for my son, and all of them were terrific.
In between concerts, I’ve been watching SURVIVOR, and still loving it. Every week, JimmyZ messages me, asking if I’ve watched the new episode yet. This season as been pretty special.
I also watched UNTIL DAWN, which was a but of a mess… but it was a FUN mess. I enjoyed it, and I think it would make a good double feature with CABIN IN THE WOODS.
I also watched THUNDERBOLTS* which I think has been one of the better Marvel movies in a long time. It’s fun, action-packed, and the cast was great. It also deals with mental illness in an interesting way. And, not for nothing, it breaks the formula of a bunch of recent Marvel flicks.
Cindy and I went out to a honkytonk bar and watched a Journey/Bon Jovi cover band called… wait for it… Bonjour. Neither of us really felt like going out. We were both down. We were both tired. We had already decided we were just gonna stay at home. At the last minute, though, we hopped in the car and headed that way, and we had a great time. Sometimes, you just have to ignore your own bullshit and go have some fun.
Here’s a quick rundown of convention appearances, signings, and other events. Keep in mind, all appearances are subject to changes and cancellations.
May 30 - June 1 - Tremendicon, Springfield MO
June 21 - Route 66 Toy and Comic Convention, Lebanon MO
LINKTREE - Links! Links! Links! This will get you everywhere worth visiting!
PATREON - Here, I post a serialized novel, a serialized comic book, short stories, and other cool materials.
THE CULLEN BUNN DISCORD SERVER - A place for fans to hang out and talk about comics, books, movies, games, collecting, and whatever else strikes their fancy.
MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE - Listen. You should always shop at your local comic and bookstore first, but if they don’t carry the books you want, you might be able to get them here. And, if nothing else, leave some reviews of the books you love!
