Issue 247: From This Time Forth, My Thoughts Be Scroogey
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Cindy and I volunteered for a Christmas event this weekend. It was a “Santa’s Workshop” event during which kids could come in, decorate cookies, have hot chocolate, watch holiday movies, and get pictures with jolly ol’ St. Nick. It was a lot of fun for the kids. Cindy and I were in charge of the hot chocolate and cookie decoration, pouring the freakishly hot cocoa and keeping icing and sprinkles in constant supply.
Towards the end of the day, Santa sauntered his jolly ass around to our area, smug as only an ageless icon of generosity can be. He ho-ho-ho’d along, greeting the kids, brightening their days.
Knowing that many of the kids had been decorating cookies to give to Santa, I asked how many treats he had collected.
Do you know what that jackass had the audacity to say to me?
I’ll tell you.
“Well,” he said, making sure no kids were within earshot, “I’ve had a few, but you know what? I just can’t gain weight like I used to. I’ve been Santa for more than ten years, but this is the first year I’ve just had to use a pillow to bolster my belly. In other countries, you know, Santa is a little more fit. In America, we expect a fat Santa. That’s all right, though. I’m using this as an opportunity to teach kids about eating healthy and taking care of themselves.”
I looked down at my feet.
Or… I looked in the direction of my feet, but my belly was blocking the view.
“Bowl full of jelly,” I muttered under my breath. “Bowl full of jelly.”
What I was really thinking, though, was…
TASTE DIRT, SANTA! MAYBE THIS KNUCKLE SANDWICH WILL FATTEN YOU UP!
But instead of decking Santa’s halls, I shoved the pain of fat-shaming Santa down, kept it to myself for a while. I let it churn in my gut. Then, I asked Cindy if she had clocked what Santa had been saying. She had, of course, and thought it was funny.
Then—THEN—do you know what why lovely wife had the audacity to say to me?
I’ll tell you.
“You know,” Cindy said, “you would make a good Santa.”
So, that’s how my holiday season is going.
Pass the damn cookies.
Time for a new comic announcement! I’m teaming up with A.C. Zamudio and Bill Crabtree once again! This time, we’re bringing you ARCANA ROYALE!
In ARCANA ROYALE, Hudson Tremaine is a high-stakes gambler who has won big in her career, but made a lot of enemies along the way. When she gets embroiled in a new, and mysterious tournament named the Arcanos Mysterinos, however, she realizes that she may have bitten off far more than she can chew: her rival players are demons and demigods – and she's playing to save the world!
The book is launching in April!
Here’s the announcement from Games Radar/Newsarama!
Speaking of new series announcements… I have it on good authority that there’s another new book being announced a little later this week.
So stay tuned for that!
And… while JUMPSCARE and ARCANA ROYALE and the several top secret books I’m working on for 2025 wait to take their rightful place in your hearts and minds… THE AUTUMN KINGDOM was named one of the best comics of 2024, according to Slash Films!
https://www.slashfilm.com/1732857/best-comics-2024-ranked/
On the kitten front, Betty Santanico Pandemonium is doing great, but we had a small setback. We thought we’d be able to get all her tests taken care of this week. That wasn’t the case. We have to wait another three weeks to have her checked and get her final bill of health. In the meantime, she’s eating more than any twelve cats should be eating.
Here are a few of the things I’ve been geeking out over this week!
THE SHOCK SHOP - My online store, where you can find exclusive covers you can only get directly from me!
PATREON - Here, I post a serialized novel, a serialized comic book, short stories, and other cool materials.
THE CULLEN BUNN DISCORD SERVER - A place for fans to hang out and talk about comics, books, movies, games, collecting, and whatever else strikes their fancy.
MY AMAZON AUTHOR PAGE - Listen. You should always shop at your local comic and bookstore first, but if they don’t carry the books you want, you might be able to get them here. And, if nothing else, leave some reviews of the books you love!
The original Spelljammer book! I only played that once but I really enjoyed it.
Oh, and thanks for sharing the photo of my book!
We can march right up to Santa front door and give him an old fashioned Jay and Silent Bob beat down! You’re gonna need to drive though. My license has been expired for the better part of the last century.