Issue 177: Attack of the Attacking Panic
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Sorry this issue is a couple of days late. I hated to miss Sunday. I promise those reasons went waaaaaaay beyond “I just don’t feel like it.” The last week and change has been one filled with sadness, stress, guilt, exhaustion, and lots of panic attacks. The panic attacks are a new thing for me. I’ve thought I’ve had them in the past, but if those were panic attacks, the waves of nerve-shredding, heart-thumping, sweat-inducing bursts of fear and self-loathing and pressure and tears that have been hitting me over and over out of left field are panic attacks injected with rage serum. They’re next level panic attacks. Mecha-panic attacks. I haven’t had one in two days, but I never want to have one again.
About ten minutes after sending last week’s issue, Cindy and I realized that our cat Nibbles wasn’t doing well. He wasn’t walking around. He couldn’t stand. He wasn’t taking food or water. Nibbles has had a number of health struggles since December, and it was obvious he was sick and I needed to take him to the emergency vet. That meant I had to skip taking my son to his week-long violin camp, which I felt really, really terrible about, especially with him leaving, knowing his cat was sick.
The emergency vet was packed… and they were turning away all pets save those needing critical care. They thought Nibbles needed some attention, so they admitted him. I had to wait several hours to be seen, but that’s to be expected.
When I made it to the examination room and took Nibbles out of his carrier, I saw that one of his eyes was bloody. My first thought was that Nibbles had experienced a stroke. I’m no vet. I wasn’t making a diagnosis. I was just wondering if that was possible. After some examinations and tests, the vet assured me that, no, Nibbles had not experienced a stroke. Instead, they said, he had gotten into a fight with another pet and his eye had been scratched. They also said he had puncture wounds above and below his eye. He wasn’t moving around because he was in pain, but he’d be all right.
I was elated!
I called my family to tell them the good news and wish my kid the very best of luck during his week of practices, recitals, master-classes, and performances.
I gladly shelled out nearly a thousand dollars to the emergency vet for all their help.
But Nibbles never bounced back. He just wasn’t himself the rest of the day. The next morning, I took him to his regular vet. The vet took one look at him, listened to what the emergency vet had diagnosed, and said, “I respectfully disagree.” In fact, they saw no sign of a scratch on his eye or puncture marks.
They took Nibbles to the back of the clinic and, after a few tests, they returned to tell us that, yes, Nibbles had experienced a sever stroke connected to the illness he had been dealing with in the previous months. He was suffering and he wasn’t going to get better.
Sadly, we had to say goodbye to Nibbles that morning.
I’m angry over the misdiagnosis. Angry over what seems like a dismissive lie about the injury to his eye. Angry over the outlay of money for… nothing. Angry over the false hope the emergency vet gave me and I, in turn, gave my wife and son. Most of all, though, I’m angry that Nibbles suffered for 24 hours needlessly.
That cat had come into our lives out of nowhere several years ago. I remember getting a call from my wife and son while I was at a convention. “Surprise! We have a new cat!” In order to slowly introduce this stray into our household, he lived in my office for several weeks. And he annoyed the Hell out of me nearly every day while I tried to work. I grew to love him despite (or because of) all his irritating habits. He was a beautiful cat. Almost everyone who saw him commented on how gorgeous and sweet he was. My response was always, “Well, you can have him.” But—truth be told—I would have fought anyone who tried to take him. I’ve had some great pets in my time, but Nibbles was one of the best.
I’m gonna miss that shithead.
So… the panic attacks.
They started hitting me last Sunday night and they didn’t let up. I was upset about Nibbles, yes, but I was also worried about Cindy and my son. I was scheduled to go to HeroesCon in Charlotte for the weekend. But I didn’t want to leave them. My son had a performance I was going to miss anyhow, but now I was leaving them to deal with their grief without me around. I felt sadness. I felt intense guilt. Cindy insisted that I had made a commitment to the convention, so I couldn’t back out now. So, it was off to the races.
Of course, the panic attacks didn’t care that I was going to the convention. They followed me. They hit me on the drive. They hit me while we were unloading books. One of the worst of the bunch struck me not 30 minutes after the show opened for the first day.
Thank God for Cindy… or I might have walked right off the floor.
Walking around the show floor, I called her as the panic attack struck, and she talked me down. I’ll never forget the convention where my wife had to tell me, “Don’t cry. I can hear it in your voice. But the convention should be fun for you. Don’t cry right at the beginning.” I got ahold of myself and got the panic attack under control. It wasn’t the last of them, but they were fewer and farther between for the rest of the weekend.
The convention was a good time, as always. I met a ton of amazing people, signed a bunch of books, talked a lot about comics, and reconnected with other creators. A few awesome highlights included:
Having a TON of people ask me about THE SIXTH GUN Kickstarter (see below). I couldn’t tell them much, other than “follow the campaign” but it was nice to see the excitement around it. A few folks tried to trick me into spilling some secrets, but I held strong!
Getting to hang with Brian Hurtt and Matt Kindt, the two guys who have always been by my side since the beginning. While I feel like a lot of creators have ghosted me in recent years, they never have. And we shared Irish Car Bombs to celebrate that fact.
Brian and I sort of announced a new project at the convention. We sold prints of the first issue cover and told secrets to anyone who asked. I almost posted about it here, but maybe I’ll keep that to myself again.
Dozens and dozens of people asked me when I was going to return to writing DEADPOOL. The answer, I’m afraid, was “I don’t think that will ever happen, even though I’d love to write the character again.” Still, nice to know people still enjoy what I did with good ol’ Wade.
A guy walking up to the table and casually asking me to “sign his sword.”
I was on really cool panels for LBGTQIA+ representation in comics, breaking into the industry, and crowdfunding projects. Met a lot of really excited people in the audiences.
Seeing Sixth Gun cosplayer Joe again after a few years.
Finding a Spider-Man mask in the restroom and wondering if THIS was my superhero origin story.
Met with a bunch of retailers. Just amazed at the descriptions of their shops. Talked to a bunch of them about the business, what I could be doing to help them sell more comics. Asked several of them what I said might be “an uncomfortable question” and being really interested and relieved at their answers.
Someone asked me if I could draw Ben Grimm from memory, and this is how it turned out.
Josh and I making damn sure we got to go to Dish (for deviled eggs and salmon patties for me) and Smithfield’s Chicken and BBQ (for real BBQ).
And then Josh and I going for margaritas at the place next door and singing New Order at the top of our lungs on the way back to the hotel.
Talked to a bunch of publishers and editors about some new projects on the horizon.
Got a new sketch in my D&D MONSTER MANUAL sketchbook, this one by the amazing Zander Cannon.
Met Jim, an 81 year old Navy veteran who just started collecting comics at age 79. He was so excited about comics, and I think maybe my heart grew a size or two while talking to him. It’s never too late to get into comics. He was most into my Green Lantern and Sinestro books. He gave me a small piece of a flag to carry with me, and I always will.
And a thousand other things that helped me get through a tough weekend.
As with every convention, yes, I leave feeling inspired for the future, but I also came away wondering what I could do to make conventions even more valuable to me. I will never make money at a convention. Attending conventions just takes too much time away from work for that ever to be the case. I also don’t enjoy hauling books to a convention. Load-in and load-out definitely contribute to those panic attacks I mentioned. So… what do I do? I like going to conventions. I like meeting fans. How do I capitalize on these shows a little more? Lots to think about.
Don’t forget to follow the campaign for THE SIXTH GUN! I can’t tell you anything about it, but all will be revealed soon. It’s going to be very, very exciting.
“Sometimes what’s dead doesn’t stay gone.”
THE SIXTH GUN
REBORN
from
@OniPress
Coming soon to #KickstarterReads
Follow here:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/onipress/the-sixth-gun?ref=7uiaj2
I have a story in THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UNCANNY anthology from Outland Entertainment. My tale is about steampunk scientists, magical axes, hideous monsters, and demonic pacts. If you like weird westerns like THE SIXTH GUN, you should check this book out. It is on Kickstarter right now with only 9 days to go!
You can back it here: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1330509990/the-good-the-bad-and-the-uncanny-tales-of-the-weird-west
If you like this newsletter—and I hope you do—please SHARE IT with anyone and everyone you know. More and more, this is my primary way of reaching and communicating with readers and I really need to start working to beef up the mailing list. I’ve kicking around some plans, but it would definitely mean a lot if you could help me out.
RED ZONE #4
Randall Crane, an unassuming American professor of Russian and Slavic Studies at NYU, is called in by the US government for a secret international mission back to Russia, where his long-buried secrets come to light. When his support team of commandos is ambushed and killed, it’s up to Randall to fight his way out of Russia using his “particular set of skills.” In this final issue, Randall, surrounded by all the bizarre enemies from his past, must find a way to escape the new iron curtain.
Besides panic attacks? Hell, I don’t know what I’ve been obsessed with.
On the drives to and from Charlotte, I caught up on episodes of the Colors of the Dark podcast. I always enjoy listening in, and it is always nice when they mention one of my books. I also fired up the audiobook of BLUE WORLD by Robert McCammon. First time I’ve listened to those stories on a drive in a couple of decades. And I loved them so, so much.
Tonight, my son and I are gonna catch THE BOOGEYMAN. Really looking forward to that one.
Here is a quick and dirty list of upcoming projects. In most cases, I’m only listing projects that are definitely on the schedule with a published. Oftentimes, I will not be able to share much information, but I can at least tease the future! Everything here is, of course, subject to change.
JUNE 2023
SWORDS IN THE SHADOWS
RAZE
JULY 2023
LAMENTATION #3
GHOSTLORE #3
DOOR TO DOOR, NIGHT BY NIGHT #7
DOOR TO DOOR, NIGHT BY NIGHT TPB
AUGUST 2023
DEATH OF THE VENOMVERSE 1 - 5 (weekly)
GHOSTLORE #4
DOOR TO DOOR, NIGHT BY NIGHT #8
DISPLACEMENT
MAGIC: THE GATHERING - NOTORIOUS
REANIMATOR: THE ETERNAL LIE, Part 2
SEPTEMBER 2023
OCTOBER 2023
REGRESSION: THE COMPLETE COLLECTION
NOVEMBER 2023
LAMENTATION TPB
PROJECT: MATINEE #1
DECEMBER 2023
PROJECT: MATINEE #2
JANUARY 2024
BEYOND MORTAL Trade Paperback
THE UNKNOWN FUTURE…
PROJECT: JUMP, a new comic book series in the Beyond Mortal Universe.
PROJECT: HEX, a supernatural/horror thriller.
PROJECT: HORROR, a licensed horror comic.
I’LL KILL YOU LAST - An 80s action/horror fiction anthology I’m editing.
PROJECT: GALLERY - An RPG project I’ve been quietly developing.
PROJECT: PREHISTORY - More kaiju craziness
PROJECT: MEGA-BATTLE - Even More kaiju craziness
PROJECT: SURGEON - a very dark horror tale
PROJECT: BOT - A sequel to a story of robotic mischief
PROJECT: WATER HEATER - An apocalyptic horror/fantasy maxi-series
PROJECT: RUSH - A horror prose anthology I’m editing
COPYCAT - A new limited series from Todd Garner, Heath Amodio, and myself.
BLOODBLADE - An action/horror story of destiny and demonic blood
PROJECT: DUNGEON - A new licensed horror comic series
PROJECT: CONVOY - A horror/thriller I’m co-writing
PROJECT: ARCANA - a dark fantasy series
PROJECT: MONSTER - a new horror/action/comedy series
PROJECT: HOAX - a horror limited series
940 pages of comic book scripts (1710 in 2022)
0 feature length screenplay (0 in 2022)
0 half-hour comedy pilot (1 in 2022)
0 short film script (1 in 2022)
0 short stories (9 in 2022)
0 novellas (0 in 2022)
10 two-sentence horror stories (10 in 2022)
0 new comic book series proposals (29 in 2022)
0 podcast proposals (0 in 2022)
0 essays (0 in 2022)
1 foreword for upcoming graphic novels (0 in 2022)
0 television series proposal (0 in 2022)
JUNE 24, 2023 - Route 66 Toy and Comic Convention, Lebanon MO
JULY 7 - 9, 2023 - Tremendicon, Springfield MO
AUGUST 5 - 6, 2023 - Fountain City Con, New Century KS
AUGUST 19, 2023 - Signing at Distant Planet Comics, Columbia MO
SEPTEMBER 9, 2023 - Signing at B&B Collections, Jonesboro AR
SEPTEMBER 16 - 17, 2023 - Extremicon, St. Roberts MO
SEPTEMBER 30 - OCTOBER 1 - Cowtown Comic Convention, Fort Worth TX
THE SHOCK SHOP - My online store, where you can find exclusive covers you can only get directly from me!
TWITTER - This is the best place to interact with me online. My handle is @cullenbunn
TIKTOK - A fun spot for quick videos about writing, comics, and collecting
PATREON - Here, I post a serialized novel, a serialized comic book, short stories, and other cool materials.
THE CULLEN BUNN DISCORD SERVER - A place for fans to hang out and talk about comics, books, movies, games, collecting, and whatever else strikes their fancy.
THE BUNNGALOW - Cindy and I talk about life, hot button topics, pop culture, being married to a comic book writer and EVERYTHING in between.
So sorry to hear about Nibbles. Hopefully this week, will be a much better week for you.
Sorry to hear about your kitty cat and the struggles, Cullen. Wishing you all the best.